Few days back I had a dream, rather a nightmare. I was walking down a lonely road. Actually the road wasn’t lonely, I was alone. Sometime later, I saw my friend coming from the other side. She too saw me, but we just ignored each other. Why??? Nothing was wrong between us. Then I turned back & called her, she turned & threw a plastic smile at me. I was kinda spellbound. I just managed to ask how she was, she just said that she was fine & left after saying that she was getting late. After few steps, I saw a bunch of other friends. They talked among themselves but nobody noticed me. I thought of going & talking to them but I didn’t. I moved ahead. Well that’s it.
This is not just a dream. This proves that even my unconscious mind is aware of my feeling. The worm has been eating up my mind. I dunno what’s so wrong with me Maybe nothing. I’m just too tired. Tired of this life. Even a year back I dreaded death. But today I’m completely ready to accept it. Sometimes I feel if I was dead, may be things would have been better. Hoyto more gele hoto beshi bhalo….Though I don’t want to die, but I’m ready to accept it. I’m just 21, yet I have no hope, no aim, no ideal. What am I running for? What’ll happen to me at the end? Everyone is running to the land of nowhere. We spend our whole life either studying or working, b a dog just to have a happy old age, that too is not an assured gift from life. U can just die rich, economically bt whether u’ll smile n die…that’s a completely different question. The society has nothing to offer. It’s a complete anarchy what is going on at present. Cases close n never get solved. Girls are ill-treated openly n nobody offers a helping hand but enjoys. I have the right to vote. But what’s the use? None of the leaders, party inspires me. I don’t know where life will take me to.
When I feeling like this, I shudder at the thought of future. There’s hardly anyone who is there, rather who has time to spend with me. Spending time is something much to ask, they don’t even have time to say just a plain n simple Hi! Everyone is busy in their lives. Only I still have time to think about them, miss them…dunno till how long will I b able to continue. But I love them. God bless them.
I want to finish it with an instance that happened with my cousin bro. Ribhu, who is in class VII now, has to take up an additional subject. His mother asked him to choose him himself, on the basis of his career interest, So he was asked: "Tor boro hoye ki hote ichha kore?” He came up with his ready answer: “Amar boro hoye kichhu hote ichha korena. Amar boro hotei ichha korena. Sharadin mathe bat ball niye khelte ichha kore.” What more can I say? Poor soul, poor us! God help everyone!

Sweet Something!

This happened long time back but today I got time to pen this down. I went to my mamabari in Lake Gardens. My cousin Tuli, a little yet big girl, all of 10 gave me the best gift she could have ever given to me! She was having her exam & from her busy schedule, she decided to gift me something…something really very sweet! I don’t know whether it was a part of her assignment or not, like write few lines about your sister/brother neither do I want to know. But this is something which I’ll treasure all my life! She wrote a testimonial for me! I have received quite a number of testimonials from my dear friends & I treasure them all but this is special! This is written by my ‘youngest friend’ who gave it personally to me!
I want to share it with all of you…It goes something like this…

About Tinni Didi,
She is one of the sweet girl of all.
She looks very much like Barbie dolls.
She is my eldest sister.
She is very good in studies.
When I grow up I want to become like her.
She tells me many stories.
I love her because she is very helpful, caring and brave girl.
I love Tinni Didi very much.
From Tuli

It has few grammatical errors but no spelling mistakes! But the way she expressed herself is just beyond any words. This little piece of paper brought tears to my eyes & I still feel like crying. She gave three reasons why she loves me but I love you for no reason at all. I love you JLT!!!

Miss U Catwalk!

6th of August 2007 brought a new year for me. It’s my 3rd & last year in my college, SXC. I love it for so many reasons & maybe I have more reasons to hate it but whenever I remember that I’m a Xaverian, I can’t help but love it! I’m proud to be a part of this ancient yet modern institute. It has a completely different culture. So varied & cosmopolitan that sometimes my identity blurs & sometimes I’m too conscious of who or what I am. Xavier’s’ mean a lot to me! It’s another world for me, really! It has given me, taught me, made me something!
Xavier’s can proudly boast of being one of the most beautiful colleges in Kolkata. The building looks good, the chapel is so peaceful and the greenery can mesmerize you! This is a view from the front gate, but you must enter from the back gate at least once to know how Xavier’s actually is! Then only you can feel its charm, its vastness. The ground is soo big man! The green grasses looks & feels like velvet, you’ll at once know that it is regularly taken care of. The Green Benches, no no, not the one in court but green coloured benches where Xavierians sit, chat, chillax & have gala time in the afternoon & parents, especially mothers of the school students wait for their children. The path which leads you to the main building is known as the Catwalk. It’s so rightly named! We acquire a certain grace like a swan while walking on it! Whenever I enter through the back gate, walk on the catwalk, view the ground & head towards the college building, I get a feeling that this is my passport to my dreamland! This walk has varied in all these 3 years. 1st day of 1st year I was a shaky girl, walked on the catwalk with not so confident steps, having lots of doubts & confusion going on in my suddenly grown up yet childish mind. 2nd year, my group SPARK was formed properly & we 4 moved on it in a careless careful attitude! We tested how it felt being seniors & yet we were conscious of the so called senior most batch or the 3rd years! We seemed prudent to the juniors but appeared silly in front of the seniors! Yet another year has passed & we now hold the prestigious & much awaited position of the 3rd years! Our moves are the most confident! It has been our 2nd home by now. We walk on the Catwalk as if it’s the entrance to our drawing room. We are so confident! We need not think of any one as we are on the apex now. So the passerby’s are either our juniors or batch mates.
But this year, the college authorities made a decision to do away with the Green Benches. We are having staff quarters instead & so, our dear Catwalk has to suffer. It is undergoing attacks of the various digging instruments & it is heaped with cement, mud & all such rubbishes! Our beautifully cemented & tiled catwalk is now replaced with a temporary arrangement of bricks. Mind you, the difference is heaven & hell! This brick walk instead of cat walk reminds me of the atrocious road of Paikhala village which we visited as a part of NSS trip. It was a horror during last few days of heavy downpour. Water logged & it was filled with mud & we lost all our grace while walking on it. Yuckkk!!! This shift is like waking up from a beautiful dream. But this is not done! Seriously I want my Catwalk back! Not only Catwalk has suffered, all those beautiful trees which we used to have in the compound have been cut down. It has undergone such a drastic change that it hurts to have a look at it! I just hope this work finishes soon & our compound becomes as beautiful as before, with Catwalk & those trees! Though Green Benches won’t be there but since we were not that much attached to it, I can do without it but I can’t compromise with Catwalk! Come back Catwalk! I miss you!!!

Tagged Again

Here I go...
If I were a beginning, I would be:- the beginning of life
If I were a month, I would be: -july
If I were a day of the week, I would be :– thursday
If I were a time of day, I would be: - dusk
If I were a planet, I would be:- jupiter
If I were a season, I would be:- fall
If I were a sea animal, I would be:- the blue whaleI
f I were a direction, I would be:- east
If I were a piece of furniture, I would be:- book shelf
If I were a sin, I would be:- an apple
If I were a liquid, I would be:- water
If I were a fraud/scare, I would be:- lies
If I were a gem, I would be:- diamond
If I were a tree, I would be:- mango tree
If I were a tool, I would be:– pen
If I were a flower/plant, I would be:- Shiuli
If I were a kind of weather, I would be:- raining cats & dogs
If I were a musical instrument, I would be:- piano
If I were an animal, I would be:- dog
If I were an emotion, I would be:- happyness
If I were a vegetable, I would be:- potato
If I were a sound, I would be:- laughter of a baby
I were an element, I would be:-water
If I were a car, I would be:- chevrolet avio
If I were a song, I would be:- JeTore Pagol Bole Tare Tui Bolishne Kichhu
If I were a food, I would be:- eggs
If I were a place, I would be:- Kashmir
If I were a material, I would be:- Cotton
If I were a taste, I would be:- chocolaty
If I were a scent, I would be:-the scent of a baby
If I were a religion, I would be:- humanist
If I were a sentence, I would be:-If its truth, it shouldn't hurt u. If its not a truth, it shouldn't hurt u
If I were a body part, I would be:-the eyes
If I were a facial expression, I would be:- smiling
If I were a subject in college, I would be:- sociology
If I were a shape, I would be:- circle
If I were a quantity, I would be:- meagre
If I were a colour, I would be:-baby pink
If I were a thing, I would be:- a watch
If I were a landmass, I would be:- rugged
If I were a book, I would be:- Ho Jo Bo Ro Lo
If I were a monument, I would be:- The Taj Mahal
If I were an artist, I would be:-a singer
If I were a collection of poems, I would be:- that of Tagore poems
If I were a landscape, I would be:- sea side
If I were a watch, I would be.- ahead of time
If I were God, I would be:- impossible
If I were a vowel, I would be: i
If I were a consonant, I would be: s
If I were a formula, I would be:- a confusing one
If I were a Science, I would be:- social science
If I were a theory, I would be:- criticised
If I were a famous person, I would be.:- Barkha Dutt
If I were an electronic equipment, I would be:- computer
If I were sport, I would be:- hide n seek
If I were a movie, I would be:- sound of music
If I were a cartoon, I would be:- noddy
If I were an explorer, I would be:- colombus
If I were a scientist, I would be:- an Indian scientist
If I were a relation, I would be:-a daughter
If I were a river, I would be:-Teesta
If I were intoxication, I would be:-life
If I were alone, I would be:- free
If I were a question, then I would be:- tai naki???
If I were a hobby, I would be:- reading
If I were a habit, I would be:- biting nails
If I were in an atom, I would be:- no idea what
If I were an end, I would be:- dead
If I were you, I would be:- not me.

I tag Pujasree & Arnab Da.

The Hottest Day

I think today was the hottest day of my life! I’ve never felt so hot before! Not that my skin felt hot, but my taste buds also! You must be thinking what I ‘m trying to say! Ok, lemme make it clear!
SPA(R)K i.e. the full form of we 4 friends, Sreetama, Pallabi, Angana & Khushbu who is more commonly known as Rakhi among us, so, R for Rakhi. SPARK has been friends for the last 2 years. We have become a full fledged group & have some rules & regulations of our own. Among that one of the rules is that 2 of us will give the other 2 a grand birthday treat. Angana’s birthday is on 21st May & mine is on 24th July. While Khushbu’s & Pallabi’s birthdays fall on 18th August & 17th October respectively. So me & Angu give Pallu & Khushbu treat & vice versa. Today was the D day for me & Angu. For the last 2 years, we give treat in Hatari restaurant in Triangular Park. We love that place! Thai Fish is our favourite dish over there & we love to have it with Shahi Pouao. Thanks to Pallu who had introduced us to these 2 delicacies & specialties of Hatari. Whenever we go there, Thai fish is a must! Thai fish is a preparation made from fish. Though I dunno the recipe, but when it is served, it looks like this: Small pieces of fish, dry, golden brown in colour, crispy & garnished with spring onions. It is very spicy & has a little tangy flavour. Sometimes it gets little hot due to the higher proportion of spices. That’s why we team it up with Shahi Pulao which is rather sweet owing to the presence of pine apple, raisins, carrots, peas, paneer etc. Thus, these sweet & spicy dishes provide us awesome tang to our mouth! It went just fine last year where we had also ordered a chicken dish.
This year, we decided to have just Shahi Pulao & Thai fish & nothing else. When we reached there, it was almost 3 & needless to say, we were more than hungry!!! Due to the excitement we didn’t even have our break fasts properly & went to college, attended 3 classes & rushed to Hatari! We ordered Chicken Lollypop as starters! It tasted awesome! It was served with onion pickle which I had never tasted before & needless to say, we had a gala time having them! It was very irrational on their part to serve 6 lollypops & we were 4! :P We had 1 full & ½ lollypops!!! Never mind! Dosti me aisa chalta hai!!! After that, we waited for a couple of minutes & our wait was at last finished! Aaahhhhhh!!! We were served with our much awaited & cherished dishes of Shahi Pulao & Thai Fish! Tada! Sang our hearts!!! We almost broke on them! Since we had ordered 2 plates each, we had enough fish to have for ourselves! While I helped myself by taking some pieces of fish, Angu said to me, “Eto chhoto piece nichhish keno, boro boro ne!” I replied, “Are nebo, tui age bhalo kore ne to! Prochur achhe, pore roshiye roshiye khabo!” But then also we didn’t know what was in store for us!!!
We sang Bingo & took a spoon full of pulao along with a piece of fish. Ummmmmm!!! Heaven, thought me! Had another piece of fish & Ahhh it’s so hot!!! Not only me, everyone felt that. We sipped water & splurged again. Nah, it wasn’t any better, a whole glass of water was finished in a millisecond! Among us, Khushbu & Angana just can’t tolerate the hot flavour. Poor they but I & Pallu weren’t in a better position! The pulao was still quite warm & we could feel our tongues burning! Khushbu complained of giddiness due to the over spicy taste. I could feel some fluid rolling down from my eyes to my cheeks! Uhhh! Tears came out from not only mine but every ones’ eyes. We gulped gallons of water but that helped little, rather it was adding our woes! Dunno what the waiters were doing, every time we had to shout & cry out for water. Khushbu now complained of a burning sensation but we all felt that on our lips, tongues, throat & it gradually moved down! But despite of the terrible condition, we were giggling & laughing! We were making funny remarks & actions & laughing to ourselves only!
I could see few heads turning at us to see what’s making the 4 young ladies laugh out loud! But we always give a damn to people! We kept on….
Angana had all the sweet fruits before & now had only Thai fish & rice left to have. She looked petrified! Pallabi acted in a rather normal way. She finished her share of Pulao & took some more & finished that too. Khushbu, remarked so many things but had her pulao & left only with fish. She also looked terrified as if we were served bhat, daal & neem pata, (comparison courtesy Angana). My condition was rather funny! I picked up a spoon full, looked at it for sometime, thinking of to have it or not & at last I prayed Joy Ma Jhaleshwari & had it! It tasted as terrible as before but we couldn’t afford to waste it. Pallabi had a brilliant idea of having them with tomato sauce. It sounded weired before but it really worked! The severe hot taste mellowed down. We considered ourselves as if given a task of MTV Roadies! We cheered up each other & tried to have it. Though we became a little stable but not normal! Pallabi suddenly became chivalrous & said "Ei dekh, ebhabe khete hoy!" & put a big piece into her mouth & then u should’ve seen her face! She was on the verge of crying & she was laughing at the same time. Man, what a day it was! Angana & Khushbu took a vow not to have that demon in disguise again! They hated it like anything! But there was no such thing with me & Pallu. Though we tried hard but couldn’t have it all. Few pieces were still left but nothing doing! We just paid the bill & came out to find ourselves drenched in sweat. A hot & humid day outside & equally hot feeling inside! After that we had Feast & felt a little comfortable. Whew! I’ll never forget this day! But no matter, we enjoyed the day like anything! Bingo!!!

Oh Human Beings!!!

Huuh! It's true! Human beings can never be satisfied. It's monsoon. It has been raining constantly for the last six days. The rhythm is not constant though! Sometimes its drizzle, sometimes its raining cats & dogs, sometimes its just not following any pattern. Kolkata got drenched & now she's underwater! Kolkata has become venice now! Haha!!! It seems the banks will provide boat loans instead of car loans! This is the present condition...
Few days back it was very very hot. With scorching sun & heavy humid evenings & nights, people got drenchd. but in sweat, not rain! I remember howmuch everyone craved for rain! Everyone waited for rain! But look at the condition now! When rain is here, it has come, drenhed & drowned us, people are waiting for it to go & are ready to welcome the scorching sun once again!
Some more days back, it was winter. Winter in Kolkata is unmentionable! Can dino ka mehman hai! We wait for winter to do justice to our woollens, Ma takes out old & discarded synthetic saris to make balaposh. Winter means whole lotta fun for us! Winter means mowa, notun gur, pithe puli! Winter means Christmas, fest, cakes! At the onset of winter, we say "uff sheet to porloi na ebar! Kolkatar sheet to!" Global warming! But when it starts getting cold we behave in a way as if we are in the north or south poles! Then, we wait for summers! Then atleast we don't have to shiver like this! Look forward to summer....The cycle moves on!!! Indeed, earth is round!
Yes, we are never satisfied with our present situation. We get happy when we get what we want but get bored soon! We want change. Either we are no satisfied at all or we get satisfied too easily! This is what makes human beings or homo sapiens stand apart from the rest of the species! They think, they want change & they bring changes without which our lives can never move on!

Why Women Cry?

One day, a young boy asked his mom."Why are you crying?""Because I'm a woman" she told him. "I don't understand ," he said.His Mom just hugged him and said, "And you never will, but that's okay." Later the little boy asked his father, "Why does mom seem to cry for no reason?" "All women cry for no reason" was all his dad could say.The little boy grew up and became a man, still wondering why women cry finally, he put in a call to God. When God got back to him, he asked, "God, why do women cry so easily?'' God answered, "When I made women, I decided she had to be special. I made her shoulders strong enough to carry the weight of the world, yet her arms gentle enough to give comfort. I gave her the inner strength to endure childbirth and the rejection that many times will come, even from her own children. I gave her a hardness that allows her to keep going and take care of her family and friends, even when everyone else gives up, through sickness and fatigue, without complaining. I gave her sensitivity to love her children under any and all circumstances even when her child has hurt her badly. She has the very special power to make a child's boo-boo feel better and to quell a teenager's anxieties and fears. I gave her strength to care for her husband, despite faults, and I fashioned her from his rib to protect his heart. I gave her wisdom to know that a good husband never hurts his wife but some times tests her strengths and her resolve to stand beside him unfalteringly. For all of this hard work, I also gave her a tear to shed, It is her's to use whenever needed and is her only weakness." "When you see her cry, tell her how much u love her and all she does for everyone. And even though she may still cry, you will have made her heart feel good." " She is special!"

I went spell bound after I read this. Isn't this wonderful? Even I find my Ma crying so many times & I thought she was having her "dukkhobilash"! But Ma, I love u. I can't thank you coz only thanx won't do & I'll never be able to pay back whatever u've done for me. I know u don't want them back.But still, Thanx a lot for all the things u have done for me & being my pillar of strenth, always. I love u, that's what I can say. I'm sorry for all the things which have hurt u. I'll try not to hurt u anymore. Just remember that I'm there! I'm proud that u r my Ma, only mine!!!

I have been Tagged! So now I'm supposed to write 8 lines about myself! How do I go about that? What will I do with 8 lines??? What not to write coz 8 lnes are not enough to write about oneself I guess! Anyway, lets start & see how things look like!

1. I'm very shy & take time to open up.

2. I'm introvert, even when I have so many things to say, I can't.

3. I lack confidence. When I'm asked to perform anything or when it comes to answering some question in class or anywhere, I don't even if I know coz I'm too shy & feel what if I'm wrong?

4. I'm a very lazy person, why should I do something much before when I know that I have more time! Alas, I tend to forget the phrase Tomorrow never comes!!! Thats why I've got so many things to do but....whats the hurry? I'll finish them, don't worry! A perfect procastrinate.

Well, I wrote 4 bad things about me. Now its time for 4 good things! Yippie! I'm loving it now!!!

5. I'm a sweet person! Hey, I'm not telling this JLT! Wherever I go, people(alas, elderly people like uncles, aunties, dadus & didas, not hot chic handsome guys!) say, "Bah! bhari mishti meye to!"

6. I've a wacky sense of humour. I can make people laugh till they cry!

7. I'm mastering the art of "baje boka/bhat boka"! When I'm with my close friends, I talk gibberish! They get mad but they love me for this! My imagination has no bounds!

8. Last but not the least, I'm a good & humble person! See, I've got so many good qualities but still, I wasted four lines bringing out my negative points instead of bragging or flaunting about them!

Huh! Atlast I'm done with this! But I must tell you, I could have continued with this but never mind! Am neither an angel, nor a devil. I'm a normal human being. Someone veryy veryy ordinary!

My Silent Tears

They say, never shed your tears. They are too costly. Don't cry for someone who has hurt you as someone who really cares for you won't make you cry. Then why are tears present? What's their significance? If I don't cry when I'm hurt then when will I cry? You can only get hurt by them who you think really cares for you. They do, but they are human beings, not angels that they will never ever hurt you! It sounds very romantic when someone dear says "I will never hurt you, never make you cry." But I don't believe it. Human beings do commit mistakes, you feel bad & you cry. You feel better after you cry. I am a cry baby. I cry at the drop of a hat. My present situation has complelled me to cry out loud...but I can't. I'm shedding my tears silently. Its raining outside & so is my heart! Why am I crying? I got hurt. I know, he didn't mean to hurt me but still I'm crying. I wish he's feeling the same & crying for me too! But nah, I don't want that! Tomorrow or after few days when I will see this, may be I'll laugh. It may seem stupid but for me, what I'm feeling now is the most important thing. Whenever you feel like crying, do cry. It won't cause you any harm. I know, I keep on telling people don't cry & repeat those words. but now, I'm telling you, do cry if you feel like crying! My dear ones, I don't promise you that I'll never make you cry. Don't accuse me later, ok?
I know this whole thing is verry stupid but I really can't help it. This is my blog & I just needed to rain my feelings! I'll always do that, rain my feelings. I'm the rain girl you see!